A Self Portrait

A poem I wrote during a delicate moment.

It’s a big step to share this one.

For those who wonder, I am in a better frame of mind now. We all have our ups and downs, though, some of us are just wired with more volatile fluctuations.

I appreciate you…

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From my window I see the world,

Snow is falling but I feel no cold,

I am warm, I am safe, I am not content,

As I’m drawn to nature, sincere and bold,



To be outside, under the mighty, boundless sky,

I develop within the earthen womb till freed,

Clean, unadulterated air, drawn deep within grateful lungs, 

Growth in unfamiliar soil, as air born seed,



Ceaseless, to the next adventure I am yearning,

In the freezing air, my fingers numbed,

They give way to the sensation of burning,

And I to thoughts of respite and warmth succumb, 



And then I long for home,

From where I wished so long to leave,

Despite, its home, a gently haven, 

To understand, to nurture, the newly formed ideas, conceived,



In my bed, I am always tired,

Until I want to be and then I’m not,

Thoughts keep me in state, they create,

And then eat away at the rot,



Until I am cleansed of conscious,

The ever present friend and foe,

Daily stimuli birth unconscious thought, 

metamorphic in the subconscious, grow,



In my kitchen, I am always hungry, 

I never manage to fill the void,

I playback the day’s events, over and over, 

I question my perception until I’m paranoid,



Feverish speculation undermines instinct, mind is lucid,

I know I’m alright, why do I feel so wrong?

I better learn how to get on,

There is only myself, with me, eternally, lifelong,



So, I sit down to eat, 

Because I’m supposed to, at this hour, 

Stomach digests,

Thoughts devour...



Same again tomorrow, repeat the cycle,

The constant, daily, grind,

Working hated jobs, we are locked,

In a formulaic routine, confined,



I eat to live, I live, 

Because I know nothing else,

In diligence, I pursue a just desire,

A happiness inside myself,



When my days are empty, 

Loneliness rears from under the surface,

Unappeasable, I feel selfish for not being happy, 

I lust insatiably for greater purpose, 



The anxieties I had forgotten,

Creep back in with cunning stealth,

Causing momentarily lapse in endeavour,

To appreciate, in life, it’s wealth,



To be content, 

It’s an ever moving goal,

And in empty days, I transverse the maze,

Deeper into the hole,



As the shackles dig in around my neck,

In boredom, become technologies little whore,

I scroll braindead, into the bright light of my phone,

Tired eyes fixate, until they’re sore,



Just another sheep, I bleat,

As my cash is herded into the basket of online shopping,

Feed materialism, the beast, endorphins released,

Instant gratification will keep money dropping,



I’m constantly disappointed in humanity,

I put my trust in very few,

I’d rather trust first in my judgment,

Before given to you,



As are we all, I am flawed,

I acknowledge the proof,

I’ve believed so wholly in an illusion,

When dark clouds obscured the truth,



In front of my mirror, I am always judged,

But he never turns his back,

The eyes of others, they never lie,

Mouths appease, but eyes, they mount attack,



Reading body language is a tool,

Intuition has served me in the past,

Inclinations give you a head start

And the wolves, they encircle fast. 

  

I present myself with valiant shield,

In my mind I’m never good enough,

I know I’m sensitive, I feel every nuance,

Faux confidence to prove I’m tough, 



Im always wondering if my pain shows,

I tell myself ‘I do not care’,

I’ll stare into your eyes, to see, 

If you, of this, are aware,



I balance my personality in different situations, 

I tell myself to be reserved,

I can be proud, I can be fierce, 

I will not accept less than what is deserved,



On occasion that’s what is required,

If not, I dig until a hole becomes enlarged,  

When the matador waves his red flag,

My natural instinct is to charge,



I was not breathing coming into this world,

I’ve been a fighter since the day I was born,

If the wolves in the pack do flash their teeth,

They may find themselves impaled up on each horn,



That’s what the world does,

It turns a combatant from a gentle soul,

When compassion makes you a target,

And being ruthless gives more control,



I recognise myself in baby pictures,

More than my reflection in the mirror,

I see my purest form,

In a world, where everything seems clearer,



Before I was shaped into this man,

The mirrors casting back,

An unblemished boy stared with bright eyes,

Then mirror began to crack,



When I look into my reflection,

And my reflection back at me,

I see fear, anger, pain, 

Sorrow and anxiety,



I see scepticism,

Someone who is unsure,

Unstable, unsafe, 

Unfulfilled and insecure,



I see someone who’s felt failure, hurt, betrayal and loss.

I see someone who is trying and is tired,

Whose once bright eyes now glare back glossed,



When I see videos of myself,

As a boy of two years old, 

Long blonde hair and fresh pink cheeks,

Story still untold,



I see me. A pure child,

of virtue and morality,

Full of untainted joy, hope,

And curiosity,



It’s that inquisitive mind of the child,

Holding the potential, 

Endless possibilities,

Deepen the existential,



I see a small boy and a massive world, 

where everything is within reach,

Infinite choices that lay in wait,

Each with their own lesson in life to teach,



So, who am I?

Who have I become?

To keep returning to the cold,

Where fingers become numb,



Is that boy still a part of me,

From where it all began?

I know he’s the reason why, 

Today, I’m a good man,



I create the world behind,

As much as I control the man in my reflection,

It exists only because I do,

Chance guides the hand, whilst I originate, the purpose and direction,



Do not conform, do not fight your mind,

Finding balance Is the key,

Understanding and accepting who you are,

Loving your own complexity,



I am nothing without my conscious,

If I let my conscious go, will I be free?

No more searching for the answers,

Sufferings no longer be,



If I let my conscious go, I’m trapped,

In the darkness, no reverse,

Just another flash of light,

In the endless universe.

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Original poem by © Darius the Mate

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